Massage your what?

A few weeks ago when I was out of town for work, Mrs. Swartzy texted something she had read about the partner massaging the perineum during the final months of pregnancy.

perineumPerineum? I knew I had heard that word somewhere before. I flipped through the files of my memory bank. Perineum?


Oh, perineum?

I had learned the word at an all-day child birth class me and Mrs. Swartzy attended a few weeks earlier. It is the area between the anus and the vagina. Some have called it the taint.

I paused in terror. I don’t think I could give a taint massage, I thought to myself.

Courageously, I texted back: “Would you like me to do that?”

I waited in horror. I began sweating.

Mrs. Swartzy replied: “I think I’d be too embarrassed.”

Thank you Jesus!

Not that I wouldn’t do that for Mrs. Swartzy. It would be challenging, awkward, and uncomfortable. But I could pull it off if I had to.

I think.

The reason I tell this story is to relay my anxiety over when it’s time for Swartzy Jr. to enter the world. I know the water will break soon. I just hope my spirit doesn’t follow.

Mrs. Swartzy wants me to be there for her. I want to be there for her. Not only that, I want to be strong for her and supportive.

But I’m a little worried about being in the hospital room during birth. What will it smell like? What will it look like? What will be expected of me? How will I react?

I have a weak stomach. Will I vomit? Will all the bodily fluids be too much for me to handle?

No. But I don’t anticipate that will it be easy, either.

I found a video of a real life child birth to get me ready.

What will make matters more uncomfortable is that Mrs. Swartzy is intent on having her mother and sister in the room for birth. You know how in-laws are … especially moms and sisters. The less we have to deal with them the better, right?

You marry the girl, you marry the family. That’s life, and that’s marriage.

In reality, my greatest concern is Mrs. Swartzy. This last month has been tough on her. Her feet ache. Her back hurts. Other parts are in pain. She wakes several times in the night to use the bathroom.

All that, and the toughest part will come when Swartzy Jr. attempts to wriggle himself free. One of the worst things in my life is seeing Mrs. Swartzy in pain. Witnessing her suffering will easily be the hardest part of this child birth thing.

If that’s the hardest thing for me, well, I’m pretty damn lucky. Mrs. Swartzy has the tough job, and I’m confident she will get through it just fine. She is very tough. Persistent. High pain threshold.

She’s handled the pain of pregnancy about as well as anyone could. I would be whining and crying every day. She seldom – if ever – complains.

I know that she will endure child birth the same way. I might even massage her perineum to help her get through it.

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